


r/vampirehunters

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, M/M, a missed opportunity for more buffy the vampire slayer references, instead of working on the parakiss au i give you this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Matsukawa Issei is on a quest to find out whether or not vampires can have sex.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	r/vampirehunters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [batman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/batman/gifts).



> this is a mess I wrote in two hours because I couldn't stop thinking about makki and mattsun in the last chapter

**[I. THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT]**

As the only vampire hunter in Spooky Estates, Matsukawa Issei is treated like the sole representative of the entire vampire hunter community. That usually entailed unwarranted gifts (stakes and garlic and the sort) which randomly appeared at his doorstep, polite waves from the parents of the bizarre little children down the street, glares from the vampires residing in Spooky Estates, and lastly, a lot of dumb vampire related questions.

“Do vampires, you know,” Oikawa Tooru confronts him in the local grocery store early Sunday morning, “ _do it?_ ”

Matsukawa Issei, with his sleep addled mind, can only make out a, “ _what?_ ” Quite frankly, even if Matsukawa Issei weren’t so damn tired, he still would’ve responded with a, “ _what?_ ” because Oikawa Tooru was a Nonsense Child whose only goals were to woo his handsome neighbor Iwaizumi Hajime and World Domination. The latter thought is terrifying, because it is _entirely possible_ for Oikawa Tooru to rule the world with his hidden genius and lizard smiles.

“You know, I was just wondering, if they could have, you know,” Oikawa Tooru leans in close, and whispers quite loudly into the rather empty grocery store, “ _sex._ ”

Matsukawa Issei, Resident Vampire Hunter, the face of all things Heroic and Enigmatic, Computer Science Major by Day, Buffy Summers by Night, is rendered, completely speechless.

Now, for clarity’s sake, he was rendered speechless by both the nature in which Oikawa Tooru had somehow said _sex_ in italics, and because he did not know the answer to Oikawa’s question.

“I don’t know,” Matsukawa replies, putting some Parmesan cheese into his basket filled with other Vampire Hunting Items like bewitched sausages, Cherry Coke, and a hair from Oikawa Tooru. Matsukawa walks quickly toward the cashier to pay for his items and leaves while Oikawa is distracted.

When he does leave the grocery store, however, he stares out into the empty parking lot, two plastic bags in hand, and wonders: _can vampires have sex?_

**[II. VAMPIRE FUCKERS EXIST AND WE WILL NOT BE ERASED]**

Now there’s no reason why vampires _shouldn’t_ be able to have sex. You see, vampires are _physically_ the same as humans. There are only a few exceptions, a few criteria, that you have to match to be considered a vampire according to the _Vampire Hunter Manual_ and thus, a target for Matsukawa Issei.

CRITERION ONE: Strong proclivity for the night.

This was an iffy rule, really a hit or miss. There were a lot of people who preferred night. When Matsukawa was a Rookie Hunter, he stabbed his (very human) lab partner Kindaichi with a stake following an argument on what time of day was best (Matsukawa had said late afternoon and Kindaichi had passionately argued for the late evening.) Kindaichi still avoids Matsukawa till this day.

CRITERION TWO: Do not like daytime.

Matsukawa happened to fall into the category of humans who did not like daytime. Sometimes he stood in front of his mirror, stake in one hand, the weight of the world in the other, an endless quandary on his mind— _what if I am the vampire?_

CRITERION THREE: Drink blood.

Whereas the other two criteria were a trial and error process, seeing a vampire drink blood is the only surefire way to tell if someone is a vampire.

Out of all the people Matsukawa had ever boned, he, according to the _Vampire Identification_ section of the _Vampire Hunter Manual_ , had never had sex with a vampire— thus the ongoing dilemma.

He takes his woes online.

**r/vampirehunters**

**Posted by u/notmatsukawa 1 hour ago**

**IMPORTANT QUESTION. NEED ANSWERS.**

my best friend (the same one mentioned in previous posts) confronted me in the grocery store yesterday morning and asked me a rather confounding question regarding vampires that shook me to my core.

he asked if vampires could have sex.

now, in all my sexual endeavors, I’m sure that I have _never_ performed _The Sacred Deed_ (sex) with a vampire, thus the current problem.

Have any of you had either a sexual encounter with a vampire/ know of any vampires who are able to have sex?

**6 Comments 6 Shares 60% Upvoted**

**| KurooTheVampireSlayer • 1 hour ago**

I believe the answer to the latter is no. I just asked my resident vampire friend (who we’ll call Sukishima Jei for the sake of context) if he had ever had sex. Sukishima Jei only blushed (cutely), said no, and invited me over for dinner.

**|| notmatsukawa • 55 minutes ago**

stay safe. he may try to eat you.

**||| KurooTheVampireSlayer • 49 minutes ago**

that’s the plan ;))

**SEE MORE COMMENTS -**

KurooTheVampireSlayer’s reply hadn’t really helped. For all Matsukawa knew, Sukishima Jei was just a virgin.

The search continues.

**[III. I THINK I’M IN LOVE]**

Matsukawa and his classmates decide to head out to _The Bronze_ , a newly opened club near their university for an end of finals celebration.

The club was sleek and shiny with neon lights and urban furnishing. There was a giant bar, stripper poles, and best of all, a huge dance floor.

Matsukawa was ready to _bust it down_.

His friends were too, apparently, because everyone, including Kunimi _I Don’t Dance_ Akira booked it to the dancefloor.

Now, Matsukawa isn't drunk, but he swears there’s something about the music the disc jockey is pumping out, the heavy scent of cologne and perfume mixed with the talking and laughing, that has his senses going on overdrive, eyes slipping close, and his feet pulling across the floor, closing the distance between himself and the strawberry blond that had been making bedroom eyes at him since he stepped in.

They dance.

Matsukawa’s breath starts coming in time with the flow of the disc jockey’s music. He breathes in and feels the thrum of the rhythm curl deep in his lungs. The air around them starts to change and there’s something _restless_ about the two of them, staring each other down as they dance, dance, _dance_.

They’re in their own world, despite all the other clubbers around them. Matsukawa’s eyes don't know where to rest; flitting from the stranger’s lips, the hands on Matsukawa’s chest, the way the stranger is moving all smooth rolls- his back on Matsukawa, the way his own hands chase after the stranger’s, but, he ends up settling for those eyes.

“Hanamaki,” the stranger says over the music, backing into Matsukawa even more.

His mind goes static. Something about his emotions has him _going_ right now, he swears he hasn’t smoked in days, but he can only describe this feeling as _trippin’_. Hanamaki is _hot as hell_ , all angles and light colored hair.

“Matsukawa,” he responds.

The song ends and Hanamaki tugs on his hand and pulls him to the bar.

Two shots appear before them with a wink from the bartender.

Hanamaki is saying something that Matsukawa can’t really hear over the music and chatter but he’s nodding anyway.

“Let’s get to know each other,” Hanamaki says, a hand on Matsukawa’s thigh. He feels his mouth go dry. Hanamaki could’ve told him that reality was an illusion and Matsukawa would’ve just said, “ _yes, yes, absolutely, I agree, where do I sign the change.org petition?_ ” because Hanamaki is the hottest person alive besides, like, the topless poster of Natalie Portman on Matsukawa’s bedroom ceiling.

He nods.

“What do you do?” Hanamaki asks.

“I’m a vampire hunter. I’m also a comp sci major.”

“That’s an odd combination,” Hanamaki replies, “I’m a vampire myself.” Hanamaki looks at Matsukawa, “Is this the part where you kill me?”

Mastukawa can only shake his head, “I don’t really want to.”

The back of his mind screams danger, but only one coherent thought surfaces: _Does it even matter if he’s a vampire? No._

That night, Hanamaki _does_ eat Matsukawa, just not in a vampiric way.

**[IV. NEW UPDATE]**

**r/vampirehunters**

**Posted by u/notmatsukawa 1 hour ago**

**IMPORTANT UPDATE. I GOT MY ANSWER.**

vampires can have sex. I performed _coitus_ on one yesterday. I really like him. I think I’m in love.

**6 Comments 6 Shares 60% Upvoted**

**| KurooTheVampireSlayer • 1 hour ago**

I can also corroborate the veracity of this post. Sukishima Jei is no longer a virgin.

**SEE MORE COMMENTS -**

**[V. MARRIED LIFE... KIND OF NOT REALLY]**

As the only _ex_ -vampire hunter in Spooky Estates, Matsukawa Issei is treated like the sole representative of the entire ex-vampire hunter community. That usually entailed unwarranted gifts (bewitched sasusages and Cherry Coke and the sort) which randomly appeared at his doorstep, polite waves from the parents of the bizarre little children down the street (he learnt their names: Hinata and Kageyama), smiles from the vampires residing in Spooky Estates, and lastly, a lot of dumb vampire related questions.

“Are all vampires _that hot?_ ” Oikawa asks him in the local bakery late Saturday afternoon, “Seriously Mattsun, I didn’t know you had _game_. Good job.”

Matsukawa Issei, Resident Ex-Vampire Hunter, the face of all things Heroic and Enigmatic, Computer Science Major by Day, Cashier by Night, is rendered, once again, completely speechless.

Hanamaki laughs and smiles though, “I know right? He’s so lucky to have me.”

Matsukawa smiles at that and pecks Hanamaki on the cheek, “ _Yes I am_.”

The best friend-meet-boyfriend meeting had gone smoothly with a promise to meet up again next week for a double date. Oikawa gives Matsukawa a slap on the ass and a thumbs up signifying his approval when Hanamaki leaves to grab drinks.

Matsukawa has never been happier.

**Author's Note:**

> *looks at timeskip matsukawa* come on fuck me emo boy! come on fuck me emo boy! come on fuck me emo boy!
> 
> I’m really excited for the influx of matsuhana fics we’ll get thanks to the last chapter, although I’m terribly sad haikyuu has ended. I hope you’re all doing well in these trying times and thanks for reading!


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